Why We Must All Talk About Pornography
As we try to navigate this sex-saturated culture and have open-ended conversations about love, sex, and relationships, within God’s design, we cannot ignore the topic of pornography. Sadly, it’s everywhere. Let’s start with the definition of pornography, so we can understand exactly what it is.
“Pornography is printed or visual material containing the explicit description or display of sexual organs or activity, intended to stimulate erotic rather than aesthetic or emotional feelings.” (Oxford Languages)
So often, we think of pornography as a specific pornographic website, magazine, or movie, but now we know it surrounds us all the time, and it’s much more subtle. It’s vital that we understand the opportunities that exist that can expose us to pornography. The battle against pornography is ongoing- it’s commercials, television, music, everything! As parents, you must be aware that your kids don’t even have to go searching for pornography, it comes looking for them, because it is an all-out attack from culture and the porn industry.
Right now, there are estimates that kids are exposed to pornography as early as eight years old, and most of those are innocent exposures. Usually, a child is simply online looking at something wholesome, but the pornography industry has honed how to target youth. Our kids could be simply searching on YouTube for something as innocent as basketball or piano videos, but ads and suggested videos show up with sexually explicit material - and so often parents are never even aware. When we consider that children are exposed in single digits, we can recognize the magnitude of how prevalent this truly is.
As a parent, you have to be intentional about what you watch and listen to, it takes effort and willingness to be watching and be mindful of not only what’s going in your children's minds, but your mind as well. We must consider what has been intentionally put in front of us to cause us erotic rather than emotional feelings, because from the definition above, that is pornography.
Another part of awareness is realizing that this a struggle for men and women. When we talk with the outdated view that this is just a man’s issue, we can bring more shame to a female who is caught in the chains of pornography. It’s such a profitable industry, and so rapidly addictive to the brain, that it does not matter who you are, those businesses just seek more and more viewers and will go to lengths to get you hooked.
Why is Pornography a Problem?
Because our culture tells us that pornography is just part of life today, you may not recognize how much of an issue it is and how it is completely opposite of God’s design. Pornography separates sex from love, causing you to begin to see other human beings as objects solely for your own personal pleasure. In His wisdom, God designed our brains to create an attachment through intimacy and sex within marriage - it bonds a marriage through thick and thin. But the same thing happens when we use it in a misguided way outside of marriage. When we look at pornography we become attached to an object instead of a real human being, which stunts our emotional development. It creates something that’s not real, an over-glamorized and non-fulfilling version of God’s design for love, sex, and relationships. Pornography erases all of the best parts of what God intended, and gives us a hyper-sexualized version of it, that cannot be forgotten or unseen.
We’ll also briefly mention here that pornography fuels the demand for sex trafficking. Exodus Cry is an organization that has done a lot of work in helping victims of sex-trafficking, so check them out for more information on that subject.
So, How Do I Parent in This Culture Without Fear?
First, parental controls and safeguards are so important, some of our favorites are Bark, Qustodio, and Covenant Eyes. But we know that this always comes back to parenting the heart. Parents have to be educated and aware of the porn that is around them - in your cars and in your homes. You must approach this with your children with compassion to understand what your kids are up against and what they are fighting. From there, having conversations with your kids is the key piece. It’s not just about having parental controls and shutting down all these access points, but it’s about opening the conversation up where you are their safe space. Always meet them with love and calmness, and never with shame. A huge part of this is listening to them and their hearts, instead of just trying to fix things.
The reality is that they’re going to be exposed, so having the open line of communication is necessary. Something else that is crucial in these conversations is vulnerability and authenticity. You as a parent may not struggle in the same area as your child, but it’s so important that they know you have struggles too and you’re not perfect. It can be scary to share with your kids that you’ve messed up, but there is such a bond that happens when you share. Let your kids know that they are not alone, and their sin struggle is not unique to them!
Having conversations early on is so important to helping your children in this area. In these early conversations, it’s important to talk at an age appropriate level, letting them know some things people put on the computer are not good things. And let them know those bad things could be on television, phones, or computer, and we have to turn eyes away so those things aren’t in our heads and our hearts. One of our favorite resources for teaching this is a book called Good Pictures, Bad Pictures.
It’s always important to let your children know that there is nothing you can do that will cause you not to love them, or that will take them away from God’s love, it’s a constant reassurance that you are a safe place. Remember, this could end up in a fight against your kids, but it doesn’t have to. Remind them today that you are a team, and you’re fighting this battle together!